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PARODY: Wood Selig's Leaked First Draft

 



Dear ODU Athletics Community:

I am writing to share the exhilarating news that 2026 will mark the final calendar year of what many have called the "Long Malaise" during my tenure as Director of Athletics at Old Dominion University. As of December 31, 2026, I will retire after nearly 17 years—a journey that began in 2010 and has successfully lowered the "ODU Standard" to a height where almost everyone can reach it.

At the start of 2027, I will transition into a role perfectly suited for my unique skill set: the Kaufman Lecturer of Advanced Institutional Stagnation within the graduate sport management program. It has always been my desire to teach future generations of administrators the delicate art of securing contract extensions despite a 29–62 record in flagship sports. While serving as Kaufman Lecturer, I will remain close to ODU athletics, primarily assisting with "fundraising"—which, as we know, is our department’s code word for collecting $33.9 million in mandatory student fees.

President Hemphill and I began discussing this tailor-made professional exit early last summer. I wish to thank him for offering an opportunity where I can teach "Succession Management"—specifically how to replace Hall of Fame legends with "pathetic efforts" that yield zero NCAA Tournament appearances over a sixteen-year span. Truly, this is the best of both worlds: I get to teach the theory of winning while continuing to avoid the practice of it.

I want to assure you this will not be a “coast to the finish line.” We still have more regional market share to cede to James Madison University. While we have enjoyed considerable departmental "progress," there is still room to improve our 1–25 aggregate record against the Dukes. My goal for 2026 is to see if we can push that record to an even more symmetrical 1–30 before I vacate the corner office.

Another source of pride has been our literal facility explosion. We have spent over $150 million on some of the finest buildings in the Sun Belt. Few around the country can match our ability to build state-of-the-art arenas while simultaneously engineering a 32.6% decline in fan engagement. Our commitment to building high-quality infrastructure for teams that struggle to secure winning seasons remains a national case study in "The Attendance Paradox".

Clearly, philanthropic support has been a propelling force. We have raised millions of dollars, yet we remain one of the few departments where the "Standard" is measured in cumulative GPA rather than postseason wins. I look forward to continuing this vital work, ensuring our lifeblood—donor trust—remains as resilient as a fan base that has survived a sixteen-year NCAA drought in women’s basketball.

My goal is to leave this department in the exact position I found it, only with much newer seats and much fewer fans. This is one of the premiere "destination jobs" in the country because, as history shows, it is one of the few places where you can be rewarded with raises and extensions for producing two winning football seasons in twelve years. ODU is a place where mediocrity isn't just a phase; it’s a way of life.

Finally, I want to say thank you for the opportunity to serve as your Athletic Director. These relationships will be impossible to replace—mostly because it’s hard to find another group of people willing to watch a 1–9 run against their primary basketball rival without calling for an audit.

This institution will forever be part of my “DNA,” much like a 1-25 record is now part of yours. I look forward to working together this year to further strengthen our foundation of stagnation.

Go Monarchs!

Dr. Camden Wood Selig Director of Athletics (Emeritus of the Malaise) Old Dominion University